The Never Ending Sigh

December 30, 2010 § 4 Comments

You know when you can’t stop yawning?  The relentless extraction of jaw and hauling in of breath like a machine that’s gone a little wonky…that’s how I feel, emotionally.

I can find no emotion right now.  At least nothing definitive, just this ongoing outpour that bears no resemblense to anything recognizable.  Like a pallette of colour that seems only dimly familiar, unshapened and residual anger, fear, joy, hope, ambiguity and insecurity play themselves out like a two year old’s first foray into fingerpaints.

It’s sweet for the effort but in the end no one has any idea what it means.  Least of all, the immature artist.

But sighing is better than crying and there’ll be plenty of time for the latter.  On so many fronts, endings are nearing.  It’s never been the walking toward that bothered me, it was the walking away part that was always a bitch.


December 28, 2010 § 3 Comments

How come I still blame you
When it’s been twenty years and half a decade more

Since you raised a hand to me

I haven’t been fourteen in all that time
I haven’t been as scared or weak

The only conclusion I can come to is that since, my pain
Has been self-inflicted

The only end I can make is when I realize that since, my pain
Has been self-inflicted

I always had the choice to believe that I was right
I always had the the ability to see clearly that you were wrong

This going on decades distance has been your punishment
This minute by minute intimate holding onto is mine

How come I still blame you
When it’s been twenty years and half a decade more

Since I turned my back to you


December 28, 2010 § 2 Comments

What a great Christmas this was.  Filled up my heart and soul with cooking, hosting, entertaining, giving and laughing.

Right now Hubby and Daughter are out on a movie date and Son is at work.  Our temporary dog is fast asleep on the couch downstairs, the cats are all in seperate corners and I have two blissful hours to myself.

*sigh*  *pop*  *pour*   😀

I’m really looking forward to 2011.  It’s not that I have any grandiose plans for the upcoming year, quite the contrary.

I am in fact looking at it as my year to tie up loose ends, remove bandages from old wounds, make peace with much weakened and virtually powerless demons.

For me, 2011 will be the year I purge closets of skeletons, I remove webs of long forgotten and meaningless deceits and finally let in some desperately needed fresh air.

Of course I don’t actually plan to do any of this consciously or with any amount of ceremony.

Instead, I will make every effort to counter any negative thought with a positive one or three.  I will focus on what I have instead of pontificating on what I lack.  I will make use of my strengths to help my weaknesses change themselves.

I’ll remember who I was before I started worrying about who I thought I should be.


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

December 26, 2010 § 3 Comments

Like There Wasn’t Enough To Do

December 23, 2010 § 7 Comments

I have until around 2:00 tomorrow afternoon when Grampa arrives to finish all my last minutes Christmas preparations.  As is the case every year, I found myself really low on the stocking stuffers and made a mad dash to the drug store this afternoon to get some more.

I returned home and started sorting them when it very gradually dawned on me, that in my haste to be a wonderful Daughter and gracious host I completely forgot that my father was stockingless.  Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!  I don’t have time to muck about with such things.

So the great debate…do I spend 20 minutes in the car, 15 minutes wandering through an over crowded store and another 15 debating whether I want to pay $15 for a plush sock that gets used once or

do I just make him a darn stocking and be done with it?   Guess what I did?

I cut two pieces of that lovely winter plaid I bought in November and a piece of blue ribbon.  I hemmed the two top edges toward the inside, then with right sides together and ribbon pinned near the top back on the inside, I stitched all the way around with a very generous seam allowance.

I then carefully cut off the excess seam allowance and ribbon that stuck out and turned the stocking outside right.

Voila!  In less time than it would have taken me to just drive to the store I handmade a Christmas stocking for my Dad for free.  Sometimes my cleverness even impresses me.  😀

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone.

My Girl

December 22, 2010 § 5 Comments

I love unschooling!

We’re coming up on our 4th Homeschooling/Unschooling anniversary.  I’ve realized that I don’t write much on that topic anymore.  Last I wrote about it Daughter had started her Independant Learning course and Son had just completed a certification class at our local college.

But today, out with Daughter doing Christmas shopping, it really hit home how fortunate I am to have had this opportunity to spend so much time with my girl.

She’s an amazing, intelligent, sensitive, hilarious, somewhat complicated in her contradictions, compassionate, inquisitive, patient and all around joy to be near kind of gal.  She knows everything she needs to about what she wants to.  She’s a geek down to the bone and damn proud of it.  She’ll Doctor Who and James Bond challenge anyone and win.

And to think what might have happened if I had made her keep going to school.  What would have happened if I had been too afraid to go against the grain?  What would have happened if I ignored her pain?

I’m so grateful that we’re on this side of the what if’s.

The Christmas Hare

December 21, 2010 § 4 Comments

We all know the story of the Tortoise and the Hare, right?

Well, it looks like I got a bit cocky about how far ahead of the game I was and now I’m panicking because there’s only two days left until Christmas Eve.  What happened to my three whole weeks?

Though the majority of shopping, wrapping and meal planning is done, I have only two days to finish the rest before my Dad comes over on Friday.  I still have to do a top to bottom clean of the house, pick up the groceries for our planned meals, do some shopping for fiddly bits, wrap up the fiddly bits and bake my pies and strudel for dessert.  I’m not including the cooking I have to do on Saturday, which starts with a ham and cheese strata for breakfast and a Roast Beast feast for dinner.

(Oh, we rented another car because we haven’t found a suitable used car for me and there’s just too much to do to expect Hubby to do all the running around and still go to work.)

Yes folks, I’m feeling a little bit of that ol’ holiday stress but today I got something in the mail that cheered me right up…

My good friend Cate @ Moments of Whimsy sent me this lovely Christmas card and a whole lot of cheer, by way of colourful, whimsical and sparkly bits that fell into my lap.  It made me smile very big and reminded me of the true spirit of the season…which is giving.

Thanks Cate!

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