The Never Ending Sigh

December 30, 2010 § 4 Comments

You know when you can’t stop yawning?  The relentless extraction of jaw and hauling in of breath like a machine that’s gone a little wonky…that’s how I feel, emotionally.

I can find no emotion right now.  At least nothing definitive, just this ongoing outpour that bears no resemblense to anything recognizable.  Like a pallette of colour that seems only dimly familiar, unshapened and residual anger, fear, joy, hope, ambiguity and insecurity play themselves out like a two year old’s first foray into fingerpaints.

It’s sweet for the effort but in the end no one has any idea what it means.  Least of all, the immature artist.

But sighing is better than crying and there’ll be plenty of time for the latter.  On so many fronts, endings are nearing.  It’s never been the walking toward that bothered me, it was the walking away part that was always a bitch.


December 28, 2010 § 3 Comments

How come I still blame you
When it’s been twenty years and half a decade more

Since you raised a hand to me

I haven’t been fourteen in all that time
I haven’t been as scared or weak

The only conclusion I can come to is that since, my pain
Has been self-inflicted

The only end I can make is when I realize that since, my pain
Has been self-inflicted

I always had the choice to believe that I was right
I always had the the ability to see clearly that you were wrong

This going on decades distance has been your punishment
This minute by minute intimate holding onto is mine

How come I still blame you
When it’s been twenty years and half a decade more

Since I turned my back to you


December 28, 2010 § 2 Comments

What a great Christmas this was.  Filled up my heart and soul with cooking, hosting, entertaining, giving and laughing.

Right now Hubby and Daughter are out on a movie date and Son is at work.  Our temporary dog is fast asleep on the couch downstairs, the cats are all in seperate corners and I have two blissful hours to myself.

*sigh*  *pop*  *pour*   😀

I’m really looking forward to 2011.  It’s not that I have any grandiose plans for the upcoming year, quite the contrary.

I am in fact looking at it as my year to tie up loose ends, remove bandages from old wounds, make peace with much weakened and virtually powerless demons.

For me, 2011 will be the year I purge closets of skeletons, I remove webs of long forgotten and meaningless deceits and finally let in some desperately needed fresh air.

Of course I don’t actually plan to do any of this consciously or with any amount of ceremony.

Instead, I will make every effort to counter any negative thought with a positive one or three.  I will focus on what I have instead of pontificating on what I lack.  I will make use of my strengths to help my weaknesses change themselves.

I’ll remember who I was before I started worrying about who I thought I should be.


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

December 26, 2010 § 3 Comments

Like There Wasn’t Enough To Do

December 23, 2010 § 7 Comments

I have until around 2:00 tomorrow afternoon when Grampa arrives to finish all my last minutes Christmas preparations.  As is the case every year, I found myself really low on the stocking stuffers and made a mad dash to the drug store this afternoon to get some more.

I returned home and started sorting them when it very gradually dawned on me, that in my haste to be a wonderful Daughter and gracious host I completely forgot that my father was stockingless.  Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!  I don’t have time to muck about with such things.

So the great debate…do I spend 20 minutes in the car, 15 minutes wandering through an over crowded store and another 15 debating whether I want to pay $15 for a plush sock that gets used once or

do I just make him a darn stocking and be done with it?   Guess what I did?

I cut two pieces of that lovely winter plaid I bought in November and a piece of blue ribbon.  I hemmed the two top edges toward the inside, then with right sides together and ribbon pinned near the top back on the inside, I stitched all the way around with a very generous seam allowance.

I then carefully cut off the excess seam allowance and ribbon that stuck out and turned the stocking outside right.

Voila!  In less time than it would have taken me to just drive to the store I handmade a Christmas stocking for my Dad for free.  Sometimes my cleverness even impresses me.  😀

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone.

My Girl

December 22, 2010 § 5 Comments

I love unschooling!

We’re coming up on our 4th Homeschooling/Unschooling anniversary.  I’ve realized that I don’t write much on that topic anymore.  Last I wrote about it Daughter had started her Independant Learning course and Son had just completed a certification class at our local college.

But today, out with Daughter doing Christmas shopping, it really hit home how fortunate I am to have had this opportunity to spend so much time with my girl.

She’s an amazing, intelligent, sensitive, hilarious, somewhat complicated in her contradictions, compassionate, inquisitive, patient and all around joy to be near kind of gal.  She knows everything she needs to about what she wants to.  She’s a geek down to the bone and damn proud of it.  She’ll Doctor Who and James Bond challenge anyone and win.

And to think what might have happened if I had made her keep going to school.  What would have happened if I had been too afraid to go against the grain?  What would have happened if I ignored her pain?

I’m so grateful that we’re on this side of the what if’s.

The Christmas Hare

December 21, 2010 § 4 Comments

We all know the story of the Tortoise and the Hare, right?

Well, it looks like I got a bit cocky about how far ahead of the game I was and now I’m panicking because there’s only two days left until Christmas Eve.  What happened to my three whole weeks?

Though the majority of shopping, wrapping and meal planning is done, I have only two days to finish the rest before my Dad comes over on Friday.  I still have to do a top to bottom clean of the house, pick up the groceries for our planned meals, do some shopping for fiddly bits, wrap up the fiddly bits and bake my pies and strudel for dessert.  I’m not including the cooking I have to do on Saturday, which starts with a ham and cheese strata for breakfast and a Roast Beast feast for dinner.

(Oh, we rented another car because we haven’t found a suitable used car for me and there’s just too much to do to expect Hubby to do all the running around and still go to work.)

Yes folks, I’m feeling a little bit of that ol’ holiday stress but today I got something in the mail that cheered me right up…

My good friend Cate @ Moments of Whimsy sent me this lovely Christmas card and a whole lot of cheer, by way of colourful, whimsical and sparkly bits that fell into my lap.  It made me smile very big and reminded me of the true spirit of the season…which is giving.

Thanks Cate!

Putting Myself Back Together

December 20, 2010 § 2 Comments

I’m drawing toward the end of my fourth decade
With furious pencils bereft of erasers

I’ve been sketching, scribbling and jotting down
In between the apron and wedding gown

For the first time in my life I’m truly grateful
Even for my past, so soul splitting painful

For the first time in my life I’m truly sure
That I’ll do so much more than just endure

I’ve been sketching, scribbling and jotting down
In between adult child and parent of an adult

Inside my dwelling I have amassed a collection of paper tellings
Of files filled with all sorts of words and diagrams

So that when I’m ready and the time is right
I’ll be putting myself back together in full light

So that when I’m finally feeling up to it
I’ll be putting myself back together without regret

Date Squares

December 20, 2010 § 2 Comments

These were my favourite holiday treat growing up.  My mom only made them at Christmas time and to me they were better than any cookie or pie in the world.  Honestly though, I’ve only ever made them myself once and for reasons unknown, I never made them again.  That is, until now and I think I’m going to start making them a lot more often.

You’ll need pitted dates (unless of course you like to pit dates then hey, knock yourself out), water, flour, brown sugar, white sugar, salt, baking soda, quick oats, butter and lemon juice or vanilla or almond extract.

Chop about 1 lb (you can use a little less if you like but I don’t recommend more) of dates into small bite size pieces and place them in a medium saucepan, add 1 cup of water, 1/4 cup of white sugar and lemon juice (or substitute) and cook over medium low  heat stirring often until the mixture is smooth.

It should like this when it’s ready.  Remove from heat and set aside.  I know, I know…it looks disgusting but honestly it tastes divine.

In a large mixing bowl, place 1 1/2 cups of flour, 1 1/2 cups of quick oats, 3/4 cup of brown sugar, 1 tsp of baking soda and 1/4 tsp of salt.  Stir together mixing well.

Add 3/4 cup of room temperature butter and mix with a fork (I always find it much easier to use my hands for this so whatever floats your boat) until mixture is soft and crumbly.

Perfect.  Now press half of the flour/oat mixture into the bottom of an ungreased 9″ square baking pan.  Oh yeah, you might want to preheat your oven to 350 F about now…sorry.  😀

Spread the cooled date mixture over the bottom layer.  I fiddle with this part because I’m a neurotic perfectionist who places too much value on what people think of her baking skills.  Really, you just have to spread it so the dates reach the edge.

Next cover the dates with the rest of the flour mixture and press firmly.  Bake in preheated oven for 20 – 25 minutes or until edges start turning golden brown.  Remove from oven and let cool for at least 15 minutes before cutting, 30 would be ideal but Daughter didn’t want to wait that long.

Cut into squares, plate and serve or package and give.  We’re keeping these.  Makes 14 bars or 28 bite size pieces…or really any amount you want.  If Hubby had his way the whole pan would just be one giant date square for him.


Totally Random Stuff

December 19, 2010 § 4 Comments

Son just confirmed that he’s moving out in 12 days.  Even though he’s moved out before this time it’s very different and in many ways feels like the first time. Well, actually it feels nothing like the first time.  Obviously something I still have to sort out emotionally.

I’ve made over 6 dozen cookies in the last two weeks and I’ve given every last one away.  Minus the few the kids and Hubby grabbed before I got them all packaged.  This week I’m baking cookies just for us…meaning me.

So far I love being 39.  40 is a big one and I’m looking forward to it.  No really, I am.  A long time ago I set the idea in my mind that 40 was going to be when my life would really start to kick off.  (Not that it hasn’t been really interesting so far.) And lately I feel like I’ve got a bonus 11 months to get ready for it.

I never did get around to putting the angel back up on the nativity…I should do that soon.

Son is moving out in 12 days.  This time, he’s 22 and not 17…like he was the first time.  This time, he’s got a place to go and is looking forward to it and not storming out cursing under his breath with no idea where he was going.  This time, he’s a grown man with a full time position and not a teenager about to drop out of high school.  This time, he’s college certified in his line of work and not just getting by with a part-time job.

This time, he’s my son whom I’m proud of and not my baby that I’m worried about.

Gotta go walk a dog.

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