And Girlfriend Makes Three…Kids

May 9, 2011 § 7 Comments

Hiya.  I’ve been avoiding the blog.  First it was just because I was sick but then something else happened, and has since escalated, and I have to admit…I’m a bit of a mess.

It actually started about six weeks ago when Son (most of you know the background here) announced that his girlfriend, of only two weeks, moved in with him.  The other thing, she’s only 18.  Son is almost 23.

Still, they’re both technically adults and who am I to rain on their parade with wisdom and common sense.  I took the high road and kept my opinions to myself.  But then…

Then I got a call from Son last week saying they needed to borrow money because GF needed a prescription.  I didn’t really believe it but I thought in case it is true…I gave them the money.  Actually, I gave them more than what they asked for with just one stipulation – that they buy me something nice for Mother’s Day.  (Which was two days after they both were getting paid.)

I realize that this was a HUGE mistake.  I realize that my feelings of disappointment and frustration are more about my own lack of a backbone and for giving into irrational and completely pointless feelings of guilt that it’s somehow my fault that he keeps coming back for money.

It is, of course.  My fault, I mean.  But not because I didn’t cuddle him enough as an infant or because I was a single mom or because I took his gameboy away from him for two weeks when he was 12.

He keeps coming back for money because I keep giving it to him.  D’uh!

What I should have done was given them what they asked for and asked how soon they would be paying it back, leaving it at that. Yesterday was Mother’s Day and they came over for dinner (a free meal made by Daughter) and I got kisses and hugs.  No gift, no flowers, not even a card. Oh, but I did get their delightful announcement that they are now engaged.  Happy Mother’s Day!!!

(Been paying attention to the timeline?  They’ve been dating two months, living together for 6 weeks and now they’re engaged.  Having had to borrow money from me just last week.)

I was so taken aback that I had no idea how to react.  I did my best to plaster a smile on my face, make pleasant conversation and get through the evening.  After they left I just looked at Hubby and said, “Well, that was interesting.”

For the rest of the night I put it out of mind because I was just too tired to deal with it. We put on some Dr. Who and I eventually fell asleep to the sound of the tardis.  Though I slept relatively well, I woke up this morning feeling fed up, tired and even more fed up.

This has to stop. I am enabling Son to avoid the consequences of his adult decisions by permitting myself to be used as an unlimited ATM at his manipulative beck and call.  I swore that when moved out in January, after living here 6 months rent free/all expenses paid while he took a college course (his Grandmother paid for) and saved up money for his own place, that that was it.  For the record, when he left he had a steady full-time job and over $2,000.

He has since been demoted to part-time, complains incessantly about work but doesn’t bother looking for another job – like suppose one that he’s certified for – and has asked me for money three times. And I keep giving it to him. I have to own that. I have to admit that I’m not helping him, though I so much want to justify it that way, I am in fact hurting him and our chances of having a healthy adult relationship.

So, I got off the high road and told Son what my thoughts are and laid down some very firm boundaries.

The first of which is that the Bank of Mom and Dad is now closed for business.  He’s capable of supporting himself and from here on out that’s what I expect him to do before we end up in the situation where I’m supporting both of them.

There was more about not willing to listen to him complain about situations he creates for himself and that if he really cared about his girlfriend they should be talking about her going back to college and not of getting married.

Well, it didn’t end well and as his typical of his personality, he stormed off in a rage that I wasn’t “being supportive”.  The difference, this time I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about it.

There’s no way I’m going to support him in encouraging a young woman to get engaged when she’s barely out of high school and he hasn’t been able to even keep a job for more than a few months at a time in the last three years.

I seriously have no idea what he’s thinking.  Actually, that’s a lie. I know exactly what he’s thinking…’No matter what stupid decisions I make, Mom will just bail me out when it blows up in my face.’

Well, not anymore bucko.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

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§ 7 Responses to And Girlfriend Makes Three…Kids

  • Shady Lady says:

    Oh Sheri… I don’t even know what to say. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of that. I wish I had better words. (((((hugs))))) to you, my friend.

  • Sheri says:

    Oh hey, you don’t need better words. Those are just fine. Thank you. 😀

    I am beginning to understand my part to play in all of this. I give him money with stipulations and he asks for more with excuses.

    He can’t do the latter if I’m not doing the former. I’m beginning to really see that now.

    It’s hard though.

  • Shady Lady says:

    As I sit here struggling to teach Princess about money. *sigh*

  • Cate says:

    Oh man – huge hugs and nods of understanding as I know that I’m guilty of handing out the dosh when needed too.

    Totally hear you re the wedding thing. Where are the girl’s parents in all of this? Don’t they want her to go to college?

  • Sheri says:

    Shady – You have a while yet for it to sink in. Perhaps if I homeschooled Son he would have a better grasp of finances, perhaps not.

    Cate – This has moved beyond just occasionally handing over a few bucks. Over the last few years, Son has consistently allowed his employment situation to play second fiddle to his desire to party and then he ends up on my doorstep looking for a handout.

    The girl’s mother is apparently very nonchalant about the whole situation. It’s either a clever parenting tactic or she’s just happy to have her daughter out of the house. I sincerely hope its the former.

  • Bernie says:

    Oh, my. *hugs* What an awful place for you to be. I’m proud of you for taking a stand. I think in the long run he will realize you did what was right. At this point in time, not so much. That is not your issue to deal with.

    By the title I was worried that the g/f was pregnant! I’m glad its just an engagement. They won’t be able to afford a wedding, so this too shall pass.

  • Sheri says:

    Bernie – Hehe, actually I can see how the title might give that thought…but thankfully no, no babies involved.

    He may or he may stay mad at me for some time. It’s okay though, I know in my heart I did the best thing for both of us.

    And if his commitment to marry her is anything like his commitment to being self-supporting, then yes…I think she’ll get fed up rather quickly.

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