March 9, 2016 § Leave a comment
August 6, 2014 § 2 Comments
How easily I forget her…
While I worry about how I will take care of my father
While I work at making a happy union with my husband
While I ache not knowing the whereabouts of my son
She touches my shoulder
Gently, so unobtrusive
Reminding me that she’s still waiting
I’m ashamed about how easily I forget her
She deserves so much better
While I self medicate against a horrific past
While I am only here in the now half the time
While I make my life’s work overcoming
She touches my shoulder
Sweetly, and smiles
Reminding me that I once was her
Waiting for my mother to love me
As much as them
Waiting for my mother to know
How much I loved her
I can give her what I didn’t have
But I don’t know how to start
She touches my shoulder
Nudging me into wakefulness
Reminding me that it’s not too late
May 13, 2014 § Leave a comment
I have feverishly weaved threads
I have desperately tried to tie seams
Without thought to an end pattern
Without thought to other than right now
I sew to hold on to what is in hand
I sew to extend the life of the worn
Knowing that a blanket’s worth is not its’ look
Just as not all great stories are inside a book
I have nervously minced words
I have bravely tried to live up to
With such an unattainable ideal inside my head
With such an unreachable goal within my grasp
I have broken promises, I have outright lied
I have depended on how many times I have died
With not so much as a nod to how I survived
With not so much as a whisper of gratitude
I have wrapped myself in righteousness as grace
Worn it upon sleeve as much as used it to save face
I have since apologized, I have since made good
I have tried as hard as any one could
And though it doesn’t look like much now
This patchwork of reaching for my ideals
Keeps me warm and I feel safe within
While I wonder where you are and pray you’re okay
December 3, 2013 § 3 Comments
Well, it’s certainly beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here. We’ve even had snow for a couple of weeks already. The last few years have seen us staying green well into December to the point of concern that we might not have a white Christmas. A definite must have up here in the Great White North.
So, the tree is up if not yet decorated (the pic is from last year). Half of my shopping and wrapping is done and a third of my baking is already in the freezer. It’s been fun making the usual preparations, with one tiny drawback.
I’ve been doing most of this stuff either by myself or with other adults. The kids, well…25 and 18 hardly qualify anymore I suppose, are not the least bit interested in participating in all this Yuletidiness.
I really miss having little ones around to do this stuff with. The excitement, the chatter, the glitter, the mess, the giggles, the oohs and aahs. It really is not the same, as much as I love Hubby and my BFF, without the delightful queries of a child learning how to tie a bow, the observations of how making a hole at the top of a painted cardboard ornament is tricky and asking if they can use blue icing for the Santa’s hat sugar cookies that are finally cooled. Well, of course you can!
So, I’m just drifting through parental limbo more observer than participant as my grown children start their journeys into young adulthood. Might I add, without nary a sign from either of them (both are happily single without much interest in dating) that there are any grandchildren in my near, or even distant, future.
Anyone got a pre-schooler I can borrow?
July 17, 2013 § Leave a comment
It’s been six weeks, thereabouts, since my last post. The summer is almost half over and I have no idea where the time went.
We just got back from Niagara Falls for Daughter’s birthday, part two (we went last year) where she turned the big 18 and got herself a tattoo…yoink! Not my baby anymore indeed.
I wish I could regale you with camping stories but unfortunately our camper trailer has been in the shop for the last three weeks. Apparently its not easy to find parts for a 30 year old model. Whodathunkit?
We’re experiencing a weeks long heat wave, today we have a humidex of 43 degrees CELCIUS. That’s stupid hot no matter how you measure it. It’s one of those years where I’m bowing down in utter gratefulness for the pool, especially because we don’t have central air conditioning. One small window unit and fans is how we’re managing the heat indoors. Well, that and going to hang out at the local that does have air conditioning. 😉
In other news, well…there is no other news. I’ve opted to skip this month’s Organize 2013 post because it’s just too darn hot to even think about organizing, let alone actually do any.
I hope you (looking at you Shady!) are having a wonderful summer so far. Perhaps cooler temps will encourage more regular posts on my part.
September 8, 2012 § 3 Comments
What do you do at first downpour
After the driest summer on record?
You go outside and get your feet wet
You raise your arms a little bit
Then you bust a move or two
While the rain falls over you
By dancing in the rain
September 8, 2012 § 2 Comments
Twenty four years have since flown by
Since I first met my little guy
Button nose, eyes deep brown
Auburn gossamer on his crown
Speeding through all life’s stages
Time is a war that endlessly wages
Turning our babies, into kids and teens and then
One day we are looking at young women and men
And we are brought to wonder
How the hell did that happen?
Love, Mom xo
September 3, 2012 § 3 Comments
Just checking in. Things are finally settling down and the hub bub of summer, and 7 family birthdays in 8 weeks, is coming to a close. Thank goodness!
Only one more birthday to go until the end of November and that’s Son next week. He’s turning 24…gak!
How did I come to be the mother of a 24 four year old
baby child kid teen young adult man? Of course that’s totally rhetorical, I know exactly how it happened. 😛
Anyway, it’s not just Son turning 24 in 5 days…we also had a 19th birthday/going away to college dinner for my nephew, with whom I am very close. My sister said she’d kill me if I started crying because it would set her off. We both managed to stay dry eyed but there were a lot of hugs and well wishes, enough to embarrass Nephew.
It makes me lament a little…okay, right now, a lot.
Time just goes so fast and they grow up so quickly. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t miss 2 am feedings, potty training or temper tantrums. I do miss a whole lot of other things though. Camping and cook outs, teaching them to swim in the pool, pumpkin carving for Halloween, seasonal crafts, cooking baking for Christmas, sleepovers, movies and even just trips to the park when we packed juice boxes and crackers with peanut butter.
Oh dear. I am being a sad sack aren’t I? I think I’ll end this here and know that I’ll regain my perspective and see all this as the positive changes they are. I just wish it would slow down a touch. 😉
July 26, 2012 § 4 Comments
People ask me, “So what do you do?”
I mostly feel awkward, unsure and lesser than, when answering, “I’m a stay at home Mom.”
My kids are almost 24 and just turned 17.
No, neither are scholars or have any academic accolades. Neither have been champions or even competitors sports wise. Both are products of their environment and are skeptics of standardized anything. They both are avid gamers and spend much of their time in the pursuit of happiness.
And yes, we have encouraged this. We allowed them to shun traditional schooling to try out life instead. We gave them permission and fought with school administrations and boards so they could live freer, less conditional lives. Over the last 6 years our kids have been and are still encouraged and supported in taking classes that interest them while not being forced to sit through ones they aren’t. Both of them have successfully completed a college course while neither has a high school diploma.
When questioned about unschooling, 6 years later, I still occasionally get my hackles my up. But more often than not, these days, I feel sorry for the person who still believes that a traditional, brick and mortar, 30 hours a week of inside a classroom, education is the only way to raise happy, healthy, intelligent kids.
Because it’s just not true.
And I live for moments like this. When I see my kids together, happy, interacting, discussing their latest WoW adventures and just in general, smiling. Or making goofy faces for the camera.
July 16, 2012 § 2 Comments
On Thursday, my youngest turned 17. We were so busy with renovating the fireplace room and preparing for our trip to Niagara Falls that I didn’t get much chance to ponder the whole thing. Now that I’ve had some time to reflect on the fact that almost two decades have passed since I gave birth to her, I’m finding that I’m handling it quite uncharacteristically.
When she turned 16 last year I was all wrapped up in the Sweet Sixteen concept and lamenting the loss of my “little girl”. I was happy for her; her expanding horizons, her more adult experiences, her new relationships but still, I was also a little sad for me. Of course I didn’t tell her that but nonetheless the feeling was there and it lingered for a week or so.
This year however, I can truly say that I am happy for both of us and maybe even more so for me. Our dynamic has changed, yes her independence frightens me a little (what, she can drive now?) and I’ve been demoted from primary influence to a mere casual advisor. These things were also all true last year but they felt much different…scarier almost.
This year though, instead of lamenting these changes, I find myself actually relieved by them. I’m not quite at Hubby’s “let us rejoice” level of appreciation but I’m also not stuck in the trenches of “where did my babies go?” wallowing either. I know exactly where they went, I was there. And if my memory ever fails me, I have upteen photo albums to help jog it.
Nope, I’m not the least bit sad this time around. I’m grateful that she’s a happy, healthy teenager. I’m pleased that she still occasionally confides in me and we have a decent relationship. Mostly, mostly though, I am excited to explore the freedom that her independence affords me.
Me time has taken on a whole new meaning and I’m pretty pleased about it. Perspective, it’s a funny thing. 😀